A Valjean Family Reunion
by Tam Lynne
Summary: The truth about what happened to Jean Valjean's multiple relatives . . .


Obligatory Disclaimer: I own nothing and nobody.  No, that's not true.  I lay claim to dear Robert, dear Roger, the atheist and the Liberal Unionist.  Everyone else – they'll be mine in time . . . *evil laughter*

A Valjean Family Reunion

            The man didn't know what he was expecting when he passed through the tall, glimmering gates.  Perhaps clouds; perhaps judgment; perhaps even God.  He certainly wasn't expecting a welcome party.

            "Jean!"  As soon as he had officially entered heaven, Jean Valjean, ex-convict and almost-saint, found himself enveloped in a surprisingly strong embrace by a thin, dark-haired woman.  "Jean, I thought you'd never reach us!  We've been waiting for the longest time -"  She stopped and held him at arm's length, examining him.  "I haven't seen you since you were nineteen – oh, Jean, don't tell me you don't recognize your own sister!"

            Jean Valjean blinked.  "Jeanne?"

            "Of course it's Jeanne!" said his sister happily.  "We've been waiting ever since the cholera epidemic -"

            Jean Valjean might be a saint, but he wasn't the quickest on the uptake.  "We?" he said slowly.  He turned his head around, beginning to distinguish other shapes in the brightness.

            "That's right!"  Jeanne Valjean beamed.  "Didn't you ever wonder what happened to all your nieces and nephews?"

            A small gamin made a rude face.

            "Wait!" said Jean Valjean, recognition slowly dawning.  "I know you!  Weren't you at the barricades?"

            "'Ow do you do," said the gamin, in a Cockney accent.  "My name's Gavroche."

            "But – no!"  Jean turned back to his sister.  "He can't be yours – he's far too young."

            "Oh, no," said Jeanne.  "He's my grandson.  Don't you remember dear little Marie?  You were so _fond _of her when she was three."

            The Thénardiess grinned her gap-toothed grin and lumbered over.  The heavenly firmament shook with every step.  "Remember me?"

            Jean Valjean looked as if he'd just been swallowed by quicksand.  "I'm related to _you_?"

            "Oh, the gang's all 'ere – all but me darlin' dad," put in Gavroche.  "Eps, Zelly, those two poor kids I coincidentally ran into on the street -"

            "That's Eponine and Azelma, brat," said his mother coldly.  

            "Now where _are_ my dear granddaughters, and those two darling boys?" said Jeanne, intervening before the mother-son relationship got any worse.  "Oh, well, they'll be back soon, I know.  In the meantime, Jean, you simply must meet dear Pierre – he's sweet little Robert's son, you remember Robert, don't you?  Pierre?  Pierre?"

            "Down with the oppressors!" came a faint shout from the distance.  "And all my bourgeois relatives can go to hell!"  

Jean Valjean's face turned positively white.  "Pierre's last name," he said tentatively.  "It wouldn't be Enjolras, would it?"

"Oh, yes, silly Robert changed it when I accidentally left him behind in Nice," said Jeanne offhandedly.  "Oh, well.  If Pierre won't come, there's always his twin brother, who was accidentally switched at birth.  Not identical, of course.  But it certainly explains why they quarrel so much.  Louis!  Louis, get over here!"

"Vive la Republique, I'm with them," mumbled the near-unconscious Louis, who was slumped on the ground, snoring.

"Oh, that Louis," said Jeanne affectionately.  "You wouldn't think they'd allow wine in heaven, would you?  But apparently he was so very _brave_ when he died that they don't dare refuse him anything.  Now, let's see.  Who else showed up?  Me, I'm that absent-minded – oh, look, here comes dear Eponine – isn't it touching how much her cousin admires her?"

"Her cousin?" repeated Jean Valjean blankly.

"Why, yes, dear Montparnasse.  Such a handsome boy!"

Valjean looked.  He was just in time to see dear Eponine kick dear Montparnasse in the unmentionables and run off to sulk.  "Very touching," he agreed weakly.

"Now, let me see."  Jeanne began to tick people off on her fingers.  "I've covered dear Marie, dear Robert, and dear Roger – that's Montparnasse's father, you remember him – now, let's see, dear Toussaint didn't have any children, and she's still alive in any case -"

"Toussaint?"  Jean Valjean stared.  "Toussaint, as in my _maid _Toussaint?  She's my _niece_?"

"We always attributed her stutter to the shock of your disappearance," said Jeanne calmly.  "Now – oh, of course?  How could I forget dear Fantine?"

"_Fantine_?"

"Fanti-ine!" caroled Jeanne sweetly.  "Fantine, dear?"  Aside to Jean Valjean, she whispered, "She was visiting the dentist, poor dear.  Her gold teeth just aren't working out right – sometimes I feel so terribly guilty for abandoning her in the gutter when she was four, I just don't know what to do with myself.  It's a good thing that the angels have invented Prozac."

"Coming, Mother!"  Fantine, blonde, beautiful, her gold teeth shining in the celestial light, drifted up and bestowed a (literally) glowing smile on Jean Valjean.  "Why, Monsieur le Mayor, Mother says you are my uncle!"

"Apparently so," said Jean Valjean, with a sigh.  "It's a good thing all that about you being my mistress was never anything more than a slanderous lie, then.  Although I'm sure it will be taken further in the fanfiction."  Then he stopped.  A delighted smile began to spread across his face.  "Wait a minute – does that mean I really am related to Cosette?"

"You are," said Jeanne, beaming still wider.  "Actually, to be exact, you're her great-uncle."

"This almost makes up for being related to the Thénardiers!" said Jean Valjean.  For the first time since he reached Heaven, he smiled.  Then his brow furrowed.  "Wait a second, Jeanne – didn't you have seven children?"

"One became an atheist," said Jeanne sadly, "and puffed into nothingness when he died.  And the other became a Liberal Unionist, and we don't ask where _she _went.  But wait!"  Jeanne's face perked up once again.  "I nearly forgot to introduce you to ourlong-lost cousin!  Now where is he -"

"Right here," said a dark, gloomily expressive, excessively sideburned face.

"Oh no," said Jean, all the happiness he knew when he realized he was really related to Cosette gone in an instant.  "Oh, _no_!"

"Oh, yes," said Javert.  

"I can't take any more of this!" said Jean Valjean desperately, and he ran away.  Behind him, he could still hear the faint strains of his sister shouting, "Jean, dear, you still haven't met long-lost Cousin Simplice!"


End file.
